Use Caution When Considering a Fully Open Adoption
October 5, 2009 by Adoption Information and Laws
Filed under About Adoption
A “fully open” adoption is one in which the birth mother has ongoing visits with the child after the child has been adopted and is being raised by their adoptive family. In the past fifteen years or so, fully open adoptions have become more common as a result of proponents of fully open adoptions pushing the idea on birth parents and adoptive parents. Some people believe that having the open relationship benefits the children.
Some adoptive parents-to-be are scared by the idea of a fully open adoption, and there are a number of birth mothers who have fears about ongoing contact, as well. There are no studies that prove that ongoing contact between birth parents and a child that has been adopted is really in the child’s best interest, and many adoption professionals actually don’t feel a fully open adoption is the best solution.
It is likely that an adopted child would benefit greatly from having information available to them, things like photographs, health histories and possibly letters from their birth parents. If an older child requests to meet his or her birth parent, every effort should be made to arrange the meeting – but to force a fully open adoption on a child who may not even desire to have ongoing contact with the birth parent(s) does not seem to be beneficial or in the best interest of the child. Adoption agreements are typically arranged before the child is even born – how can you know at that point if the child needs or wants to have ongoing visits with the birth parents in the years to come?
Some children may experience confusion and upset over ongoing visitation with the birth parent(s). It can be upsetting to have to say goodbye to your biological parent over and over again, and depending on the age of the child, he or she may not really understand why that happens.
The solution may be to provide semi open adoption. Semi open adoptions allow the adoptive parents to meet and get to know the birth mother before the baby is born. Photos, letters and updates can be exchanged on a regular basis, so that there is continued contact and the ability for the child to meet the biological parent(s) someday if that is what he or she chooses to do. In this situation, the child has access to the documents, photographs, family history, and letters from the birth parent(s) when he or she may want to look at it but the child would never be forced into spending time with the biological parent.
If you have been thinking about adopting a child, but the idea of a fully open adoption scares you, you do have options. Just be sure that the adoption professional you choose to work with and hire understands your preference and is willing to work with you under a semi open adoption arrangement. If you like the idea of a fully open adoption, perhaps work it out so the terms of the agreement always takes into consideration the child’s needs and wants. For example, you could agree to visits for the first three years of the child’s life, or until the child is old enough to understand, and leave it open to reevaluate based on the reaction and needs of the adopted child. It’s impossible to predict what the child will prefer beforehand, so having this type of adjustable agreement allows you to make a decision based on the child rather than on what the birth parent(s), adoption professional or adoptive family may think is the best decision.
Thanks to Cindy Simonson for contributing this article to our Adoption blog:
Some adoptive parents-to-be are scared by the idea of a fully open adoption, and there are a number of birth mothers who have fears about ongoing contact, as well. There are no studies that prove that ongoing contact between birth parents and a child that has been adopted is really in the child’s best interest, and many adoption professionals actually don’t feel a fully open adoption is the best solution.
It is likely that an adopted child would benefit greatly from having information available to them, things like photographs, health histories and possibly letters from their birth parents. If an older child requests to meet his or her birth parent, every effort should be made to arrange the meeting – but to force a fully open adoption on a child who may not even desire to have ongoing contact with the birth parent(s) does not seem to be beneficial or in the best interest of the child. Adoption agreements are typically arranged before the child is even born – how can you know at that point if the child needs or wants to have ongoing visits with the birth parents in the years to come?
Some children may experience confusion and upset over ongoing visitation with the birth parent(s). It can be upsetting to have to say goodbye to your biological parent over and over again, and depending on the age of the child, he or she may not really understand why that happens.
The solution may be to provide semi open adoption. Semi open adoptions allow the adoptive parents to meet and get to know the birth mother before the baby is born. Photos, letters and updates can be exchanged on a regular basis, so that there is continued contact and the ability for the child to meet the biological parent(s) someday if that is what he or she chooses to do. In this situation, the child has access to the documents, photographs, family history, and letters from the birth parent(s) when he or she may want to look at it but the child would never be forced into spending time with the biological parent.
If you have been thinking about adopting a child, but the idea of a fully open adoption scares you, you do have options. Just be sure that the adoption professional you choose to work with and hire understands your preference and is willing to work with you under a semi open adoption arrangement. If you like the idea of a fully open adoption, perhaps work it out so the terms of the agreement always takes into consideration the child’s needs and wants. For example, you could agree to visits for the first three years of the child’s life, or until the child is old enough to understand, and leave it open to reevaluate based on the reaction and needs of the adopted child. It’s impossible to predict what the child will prefer beforehand, so having this type of adjustable agreement allows you to make a decision based on the child rather than on what the birth parent(s), adoption professional or adoptive family may think is the best decision.
Thanks to Cindy Simonson for contributing this article to our Adoption blog:
Cindy Simonson is a respected adoption professional and writes about child adoption at InfantAdoptionCoach.com. For the past thirteen years she has been helping people successfully adopt the child of their dreams.
… because it is wise to allow a child to dictate his/her own life at three years old based on whim/preference/taste?! “Why sweetheart, of course you don’t have to eat your veggies. And no, you don’t need to spend any time with your ailing grandmother. She adores you and you were named after her, but I’m sure you know best. Oh and you don’t want to try those swim lessons your cousins signed up with you for? Well, far be it from me, as your mother, to teach you about openness, tolerance, family or anything that (if nurtured) may benefit you in the long run.”
A confident parent, with a healthy sense of entitlement will be able to frame her young child’s birthfamily interactions positively and in style that best suits her child’s comfort level/needs. Can we emphathize with a young child who is understandably fearful of an overbearing garrish great aunt, who demands kisses and suffocates with hugs? Yes, of course. At the same time, we maintain that the child be polite and we help them engage while protecting boundaries. We don’t accomodate their preference for avoidance outright. That same Aunt may very well become a kindred spirit over a shared love of cooking or fashion or travel as the child grows up. As the adult in the parent/child relationship, we’re in the position to insist that healthy foods are eaten, relationsihps are nutured, family is valued… not because it suits us, but because we can separate the present discomfort from the long term benefit/value.
Perhaps the author was overindulged as a child and thus continues to hide behind her fears?
A fully open adoption requires courage.
An adoptive mother doesn’t embrace a child’s birthfamily because she is “pressured by the agency” or because she is ill informed or even because she is fearless. She acts in spite of her fears, because she believes it is in the best interest of her child. Because she knows what its like to lose, a part of yourself, a part of your identity, a presumed right as a woman and she’ll do her best in this life, to protect her new child from unnecessary loss.
A birthmother doesn’t pursue openness, thinking it will somehow be less painful or without emotional risk. She has her own fears about how it will feel to hear her child say, “mama” for the first time and be calling for someone else. She wonders how hard it will be to move forward, with the ever present reminder of a little girl who grows to look more and more like her each day. But she loves this child beyond measure and will swallow her fears to maintain a healthy presence and meaningful interaction, so this child will never have to ask, “Didn’t you love me?”
Absent agreement with the author’s requirement for quantitative evidence, anecdotal evidence will suffice. And absent any faith in that, well you just have to stop hiding behind your fears… because with the greatest risk, comes the sweetest reward. Two sets of parents, at a crux of heightened emotions, and seemingly endless unknowns and unable to guarantees, took a self-less leap of faith…. My daughter. Her daughter. Our daughter. Is the luckiest, happiest most blessed little girl in the world. Often without knowing that she was adopted, people remark that she has this little something extra, a “sparkle”, a “warmth”, a “kindness”, a “confidence”, a “radiant energy”. Its probably just what happens, when one gets to celebrate all the best parts of himself and when he is validated by everyone who is a part of his story. Eight sets of grandparents alone is a lot to fill one up with “happy”. But better to spoil one’s child with grandparents than with wreckless autonomy at too young an age. Courage, sacrifice and effort will pay off tenfold in the end.
Percy H. Johnston: It is the height of absurdity to sow little but weeds in the first half of one’s lifetime and expect to harvest a valuable crop in the second half.