What do you think open adoption really means? Do you agree with open adoption or not?
September 24, 2009 by Adoption Information and Laws
Filed under More Adoption Answers
Can you answer smiller61405’s question about Adoption?:
We’re going through adoption now and it seems like open adoption isn’t for us. It seems so invasive to let the birthparents have constant contact with your baby/child. Also, I think that a child can become confused when the birthparents are around. But of course we honor them, they are very special people.
Adopting From Korea
We’re going through adoption now and it seems like open adoption isn’t for us. It seems so invasive to let the birthparents have constant contact with your baby/child. Also, I think that a child can become confused when the birthparents are around. But of course we honor them, they are very special people.
Adopting From Korea
Adoption Feedback: i dont think there is anything wrong with open adoption, but it could be difficult and you would have to set up and maintain some boundaries. do whatever is best for your family. i know several kids who are adopted and they want to know their birth families. just make sure your kid knows they are adopted.
Adoption Feedback: This is SO dependent upon the two families. It also depends upon how much involvement each wants. Distance can also be a factor.
Adoption Feedback: Well, in reality its really not your baby/child. You are signing a piece of paper that allows you to take care of another woman’s child until they’re at least 18.
Study after study has shown that forcing a child to forget about their history and biology is damaging to them psychologically and emotionally. It beats me why anyone would want to adopt and then inflict this pain on to them.
Studies have shown that open adoptions are just as harmful as closed adoption because of the loopholes Ap’s can use to make it pretty much a closed adoption.
Studies have shown that too many Ap’s are trying to keep the mothers away from their children not because its in the child’s best interest but their own.
Studies have shown its not the child being confused, its how the adoptive parents are poorly handling and dealing with it.
Children are not possessions.
Adoption Feedback: you have to do what’s right in your heart. i believe in closed adoptions. why should the bparents get to pop in and out while you do all the work?
Adoption Feedback: Open adoption is your own version of seeing and having contact between the natural parents and the child. Meaning, it could be daily / monthly / yearly contact - pictures and letters only. Or just information from you to them. It’s all in what you are comfortable with.
Adoption Feedback: It’s not confusing. When you make the decision to adopt a child you must consider that the child has another family. Having 2 mothers and 2 fathers is not the norm with most families but to the adopted child it is normal and there’s nothing confusing or shameful about it. If you have the opportunity for your child to have a relationship with his/her nmom you are lucky and I would highly recommend it.
When you say “open adoption isn’t for us”, do you mean for you and your husband, or do you mean the for adopted child.
My daughter has had a very open relationship with her nmom since birth. It warms my heart and brings a completeness to my daughter’s life and soul. I can’t imagine what it would be like without that.
Adoption Feedback: I think that as long as there is no safety reason (abuse situation) to preclude an open adoption, it is generally better for the child to have a connection to his/her own birth parents. Open adoptions have been around long enough for studies to be done and they conclusively point to the benefits of an open adoption for the child.
I think it’s perfectly normal and understandable for a child to want to identify with his/her genetic roots. It’s not a rejection of the adoptive parents to do so.
It sounds as though you do have some insecurities about open adoptions. Please take the time to educate yourself on the benefits of an open adoption. If you agree to an open adoption, please follow through with your promise.
ETA: I think an open adoption means whatever the adoptive parents and the first parents decide together. I think open adoptions work best if both parties sit down and draw up an agreement in which details are outlined and both sets of parents feel comfortable with the agreement.
Adoption Feedback: i don’t really like the idea of open adoption
Adoption Feedback: I think you need much more education that what you apparently have on this subject.
Birthparents aren’t around 24/7. They don’t knock on your door every other day. You aren’t co-parenting with them. There is no “constant contact” with the baby/child.
There are boundries that are set, and each open adoption means something different. To some, an open adoption is exchanging pictures and letters once a year or so. To others, it can include visits.
Whether open adoption is right for you and your husband is something that only the two of you together can decide. No one else can decide it for you, and no one should pressure you to do something you aren’t comfortable with.
When advising adoptive parents and birth parents alike, I always tell them to be 100% honest with what they are comfortable with. It’s better to agree to too little than to agree to too much, and someone end up closing doors along the way. It only hurts all parties involved if dishonestly comes into play.
Adoption Feedback: You’re right… lots of confusion. Perhaps you should keep the fact that he or she is adopted a secret? That way, no confusion!!!
Closed adoption, when the first family is not a threat to the child is selfish and it will create more havoc in your child’s life. It is you that feels threatened, not your child. Your child wants his or her past, his or her heritage, his or her family.
You can dress this in all the pretty words you like, but really, you’re doing this for you, not for the child.
Adoption Feedback: The legal issues of open adoption is that the paperwork and court orders are open for viewing at the courthouse. It doesn’t necessarily mean that there is any planned contact after the baby is born. The common views of open adoption is that it is open to communication and visitation to both the adoptive and biological parents. To me, even if a child is placed for adoption, the paperwork should be open. I believe that overall, it would be easier for adoptees to be able to trace their roots, find siblings, and meet the people who brought them into this world.
As far as visitation goes (and I think there ought to be legally enforceable visitation), I believe that all parties need to work towards the good of the child, not themselves. For instance, just as in a “normal” custody and visitation agreement in divorce, if the bio parents have been abusive, neglectful, etc, I don’t think they ought to have rights. On the other hand, if a young woman places a child because financially she can’t raise the child, and loves the child and wants a life that she knows she’ll not be able to provide with a child, she should be able to continually visit the child, and have open communication and contact.
I am an adoptive parent, and I truly wish my son’s biological mother would see him more. She saw him 11 days after he was born (in addition to time in the hospital), and has seen him once since then at a funeral. She saw us in a Walmart store once, and turned and went the other direction quickly to avoid us. The bio dad does call pretty often, and his mother visits, and his daughter (15) is planning a visit with the grandmother, and I am thrilled that my son can meet his extended family! It breaks my heart that his bio mom has so many problems, including not wanting to ever get a job (in 6 years, 2 kids), uses meth (not very often, but once is too often-my son was born addicted), and she’s pregnant again (my son is only 9 months old).
A lot of adoption is invasive. I didn’t like social workers inspecting my car, asking for my driver’s license, looking in my kitchen cabinets, and under my bathroom sink, and asking me about every issue of my life, past, present, and future plans. The result is soooooo worth it, and I adore my son. I’d love to adopt again, and have started the process for both private adoption (if I can be introduced to a child that needs a home again), and I’ve had another home study done by the state, to go through the foster parenting courses. I believe that when a woman is pregnant, and wishes to place her child, that she move in with the family, and get to know them, and let the baby hear their new family’s voices. Our son’s first mom did this with us, and it was so wonderful. That way, I know that he can frown just like her, and his chin is just like his dad’s. From getting to know them, I know that there are so many inherited traits that he gets and where he gets them from. I also believe that the more people who love a child, the better, and that honesty from day 1 is so much better than a child being shocked from a cousin in a fight and finding out they were adopted that way!
Adoption Feedback: You will get many answers, but to us open adoption means “extended family”, because that’s what they are. They are my son’s family, therefore mine as well. It’s really not unlike in-laws in some ways…especially similar in that you are family through legal rather than biological means.
We have spontaneous communications and arrange visits around everyone’s schedules just as we do with other friends and family (we live in different states). No special schedules or especially limiting rules.
I see nothing to be confusing…kids are expected to adapt to step family, half-siblings, multiple grandparents/aunts/uncles/cousins/siblings, and every imaginable type of family - why would open adoption be more confusing then any other non-nuclear arrangement?
Adoption Feedback: i think open adoption is good in certian cases…lk when open adoption the birth parents get to pick out the new family…at least that gives the birth parents the peace of mind their baby has the best family he/she could have.
Adoption Feedback: What part of the dark ages did you come from? Having the natural parents around will not confuse the child. Just admit it that you are insecure and selfish. Too scared that the child might “love” their natural parents more? Are you so insecure that you feel that cutting this child away from their roots and heritage is the best plan for YOU. Admit it, this is about what YOU want, not what is the child’s best interest.
Adoption Feedback: You should NOT adopt.
An adoptee needs to know ALL his/her families - for better emotional and psychological health.
If you can’t allow this - YOU ARE SELFISH - you are making it about your own insecurities - and NOT about the child.
How on earth can you ‘honour’ the bio parents - when you won’t allow contact??
Not allowing contact - is telling the child - that something is wrong with them - therefore - something must be wrong with the adoptee - as that child will be made up of 100% genetics from those two other parents.
Adoption isn’t about a child getting a replacement family - it’s about getting a bigger family.
This child will not be dropping from space - from no where.
An adoptee needs to know their own truth - and they need to be able to hear it from the people that gave them away.
(not through your interpretation of the events)
If you wanted to have a child solely of your own - you should have had your own bio child.
If you can’t - I’m sorry - but this child will NOT be that - and you need to realise that.
No adoptee needs the added stress of trying fulfill an AP’s dream. Those boots are too big to fill.
An adoptee needs to see and hear those that have the same genetic make-up as themselves - or looking in a mirror - will always be strange for them.
(I know - I’ve lived in a closed adoption for 38 years - and it’s really really hard to get a proper self-image and self-concept - when you’re not allowed to know where you came from)
If you don’t allow for an open adoption - the adoptee will learn quickly not to ask questions - as obviously you would look all ‘wounded’ that the child wants to know about where they came from etc - and would shut up quick.
(but that child will have deep emotional scares on the inside from your selfish actions - that you won’t be able to see)
A child doesn’t ask to be given away to a family of complete strangers.
Those decisions were made by adults.
Do NOT make that child suffer even more - just because it’s all too hard for YOU.
Adoption is supposed to be about the child.
Stop making it all about YOU.
Adoption Feedback: It’s really just what works best for everyone involved. I feel that way about closed , Open and semi open adoption. Not everyone wants an Open adoption of any kind, that goes for both AP and NP and even adoptees, I frankly am gratefully I did not have an OA.
In open adoption there are many factors to consider how often visits will happen; some people in open adoption might have a visit 2 or 3 times a year. While others might go every few months, some perhaps even every few weeks. No one should go into an open adoption that they are not comfortable with. If you have an open adoption one can always add visits or just rework it.
Also rules and boundaries need to be set. The natural parents shouldn’t just decide to pop in when ever they feel like it or call up on the phone all the time. They should never try and undermined your parenting, if they don’t like your parenting styles/ discipline that is their problem.
Adoption Feedback: When we were deciding which route to take with regards to adoption we made a list of Pros/Cons. China won out, however, the fact that it would essentially be a closed adoption with absolutely zero info on the first family was at the top of the Con list.
I 100% support open adoption. We are all human, which means we have a lot of complex and competing emotions, but ultimately as adults we have to put our children first.
It is ALWAYS in a child’s interest to have ALL of their information even if it isn’t pretty. It belongs to them. Also, barring any safety issues, I also believe it is imperative that adopted children have access to their first family. It only becomes confusing for the child if the parents make it that way.
Children understand more than adults give them credit for. They understand their world. If they grown up knowing they are adopted and they live with mommy and daddy, but they also have another set of parents that created them and can see them and talk to them and have their questions answered… well, I’m sorry, please someone point out the negative here.
Both sets of parents need to get over themselves, come together and create a welcoming, understanding and loving environment for a child.
Adoption Feedback: I’m more for “closed” rather than open. As the birth mother, if you’ve made a conscious decision to give your child up for adoption, then you’ve got to let go and let your baby be the child of that adopting couple. Life throws us hard decision in life, but as the birth mother, you either want the baby, or you don’t. This isn’t a “oh, I can’t do it now, but maybe I can later” deal…
I don’t care what people say about the “oh, the whole genetic structure of the child and family history” would be helpful. So what? If I have two aunts that die of breast cancer and I’m more susceptible to it… as the child, what does that really mean, when you think about it? Will the adopting parents gain anything from knowing that? Will the child really gain any sort of life altering prospective knowing that? I’m not so sure they do…
Adoption Feedback: In my opinion, closed adoptions (unless closed for safety issues) are detrimental to everyone’s emotional wellbeing. It causes a need for denial. That is not the proper way to deal with a loss, for the birth mother or the adoptee. Ask any psychologist or licensed therapist. If you care about your future adopted child, or the woman who gave up a part of herself for your family, then acknowledge the connection they have.
You and the birth mother choose how much contact you want to have. It isn’t like she’s going to live with you. Plus, whether or not it confuses your child is really up to how you deal with it. Pardon me, but I really think that is a lame excuse for adoptive parents to get out of acknowledging their child has another mom.
If you care at all about your child, or the woman that made one of the most difficult sacrifices there are on this earth for YOUR family, then you should acknowledge their connection. If you feel threatened or inadequate by the fact that they have one, then I don’t believe you are fit to parent an adopted child at this time.
Adoption Feedback: We are also going through the adoption process and have had the same concerns.After speaking with our agency mor and other adoptive parents we fell much better about it. with our agency after a birthmom chooses us we sit down with her and develope and plan. we all talk about it and decide together how open is open. for some its just pictures and letters, some its visits 2-3 times a year others its visits once a year. others have decided visits the first year then pictures and letters afterwards. my advice would be to tlak with angency more about it. then if you still decide to go with a us adoption only agree to as much as you can follow through on. I am sure it is very hard on the birth mothers to be told that they will get many visits and then to have that change with out notice. we do not feel that is right and will be straight forward and honest with our birthfamily as to what we are comfortable. if we can not come to an agreement then we are not the best couple for their child and we will wait till find the right one. we have not decided on how open we will be. We feel we need to get to know the birth family first a little to truly make that decision.
My husband and I are just starting the adoption process and decided to do a domestic adoption. What I have read today is very informative. My husband and I were really leaning towards closed adoption, but the more I read the more I am inclinded to go with open. It really is about the child. I have a 4 yr old son and I cannot imagine someone with holding his biological heritage from him. One day these children will have question and want to know where they came from. Would you be able to live with yourselves by not letting him know where he comes from no matter how good or bad the situation is. Put yourself in their shoes, wouldn’t you want to know?
Speaking as someone who did an open adoption. Please DO NOT make promises that you are not sure you can keep. If you are not comfortable with it don’t do it. You only cause serious trauma to someone who has given you a gift. Wanting a child badly doesn’t give you the right to screw someone over. Not trying to be harsh, you just can’t beat around the bush on this subject.